i pity you.

i trusted you. and you saw me as a sitting duck.

it's been a fun run, but i think it's best for me to break-away and move on.

i've given you more than enough chances to redeem yourself. to rebuild our friendship. and each time, you fail me. i'm not about to turn myself into a martyr for your sake.

i'm sorry. for you. you don't seem to value the trust i've given you, nor our camaraderie. i think it would be stupid for me to believe otherwise. life has got you jaded. i've tried countless times to help you, make you see through the overcast skies, and it hurts that you mock me. it's tough, and tiring to stay positive with you. you have, once again, become my emotional vampire.

life has treated you unfairly, i understand. but, you shouldn't drag me, or other people who love you into your misery so you can go on and make believe that you are 'happy'. i see through your facade. and i've known you long enough. it's time for both of us to move on.

i see things better now. and i will proceed through life with caution. i hope you do the same.

as we cross paths one last time, after, i'll move on with mine..
though i can't say that i wish you well, neither do i wish you ill.

i'll just let you be.

i loved you. i'm sorry.
good bye.

*good vibes*

"Look around you. Look at the influences you surround yourself with everyday. This is the pallete that colors you.

Love a man who sees you as a beautiful woman and you will grow old beautifully. Love a man who sees you as old and fat and that is what you'll be someday. Your environment changes you in profound ways. So, if you do not like how a place and a person makes you feel, if it is not in tune with your internal goals and aspirations, leave. Find the place and the people that supports the traits you want to nurture and be there, be among them.

Our choice lies in what we allow our destinies to be"

*taken from cecile's blog: www.ceciliabeltran.com

this is exactly why i'm so picky: i only need good vibes!

*about people: i've picked the scales off my eyes. since being able to see clearly, i am quietly screening and purposely getting rid of those who are eternally negative.. though it hurts that i have to pick and peel the leeches (that i apparently have gotten accustomed to) off me, i know it'll actually do me good,and prove to be a healthier life choice.

*of my environment: i naturally gravitate towards the happily positive. (no, jaded is a different one altogether) towards those who can be open and aware about everything that is happening around them. yes, there will always be some form of negativity everywhere, but if i see that it can stay optimistic in a sea of negativity? by gee, there i'll be!

*about myself: changes abound. paradigms shift. goals are refined.. and i have had only one constant.. i'm glad to have met my constant in miyako. my love, my hiding place. he knows of my strengths and weaknesses, my wants and my needs. he can anticipate what i'm craving for, what i'm frustratingly trying to express, even without me having to explain myself. he raises me up when i'm down, and constantly peppers me with praise when i'm feeling all begrudgy.. *sigh* i hope i'm giving him due justice by being the same to him!

hay naku: i love my miyako nga.
he's my positive vibe.

only shooting stars break the mold

so, i've got about 7 weeks left before i go back.. hmmm.. wonder what i'll be doing when i get back home?!

a rough drafting of the 'to do list' would probably be: head to the salon, as reasonably soon as possible.. i now genuinely understand why my 'balikbayan' friends are so fussy about the salons when they get back.. gawd: i miss my monthly pampering! i mean, yeah, sure: i can do it myself and all, but it's more fun to just sit (or lay on my) back, relax and pay people to do their thing while you flip through zines and eventually doze off with the ipod.. (yessshuree!) and, omg: i can't wait to get back on my waxing treatments. *sigh!* geez: i mean, the razor's all right, but, we just can't stay friends long.. oh, the thought of a long term relationship with the razor: *cringe* just.not.possible. or so i think and say so. now. at this moment. (heeheehee!) and then of course, in any to do list of someone who's been out of commission for a while, there's the natural order of letting hand-picked pasalubongs find their way to their rightful owners. on top of that, a string of appointments would also be, naturally, in order when i get back to catch up and get into the groove of things.. *hyuk!hyuk!hyuk!* chismaxxx! omg! i just enjoy conversations so much better with the animated gestures, quirky facial expressions and darn.funny sound effects! and oh, the i.dont.need.to.say.it.for.you.to.know.what.im.thinking looks?! priceless. yeah: i miss miyako. and his family. and my family. and my fwends. *sigh!* then, reality will strike: what do i do next? enroll? (but where at? and which degree should i pick?) find and get back to work? (again, where and which school? i am thinking long term here. no more moving. i hope.) or should i just (stress) do both? i learned that i should be able to (gulp!) name my price when i reach that point of the interview (i have 2 pending).. but how do i know i'm not short-changing myself and not asking for too much? awkward.. and then, there's the house in pilar that's lying in wait. title was just under my name and my sister's name. thinking about the old, rickety house now makes me want to tear it down, then build it back up again. the place is kinda big, so i'm thinking of having 2 identical townhouses built, 3 stories tall. i have the place mapped out in my head. question is, when would be a good time? tearing it down, then building it back up, then having someone rent it out sounds like a plan.. and i'm sure it would be a pretty good investment.. but with the economy getting flushed, well, maybe the house planning can wait a few more months. or years. (not in my urgent to do list. hehehe!) then, there's also this art event that i want to organize when i get back. (whoot!) i've already started to get in touch with some contacts and knowing how i picked those contacts? well, i'm sure they're just waiting for a go signal before they move mountains. heeheehee! i'm sooo excited! i'm sure it'll be a blast! and gawd: i've already drawn a possible list of sponsors, and it's almost as good as done, soon as i get back! hahaha! the ADHD is going on overdrive: teacher na nag-a-advertising/pr/marketing nanaman.. it's getting me all giddy again!

oh well.. looking at this entry now, 'rough draft' would be an understatement.. but with 7more weeks before i get back with this on my plate? i'm sure to hit the ground running. :) can't wait!

toasty socks

i have not much to say today
have stretched the achies (well, lazies!)
till it popped like a snow pea, and *dang!* it felt good!

waved angst and frustration off as well
as i've decided that i'll let good ol' trusty karma deal with it
(yup ..karma manages to catch up and has never let me down.)

besides,
on a calm chill windy day like this
who would like to stay grumpy or gloomy?
life is good.. snuggle under the warm sheets and breathe in.

*aaaah!*

looking glass

feeling frustrated, i realize it's because i care too much.
i get involved, even though i don't have to.
i feel, even though i don't need to.

i keep on getting in touch, even though i know it's disastrous.
my emotional vampire is again, here.

misery does love company.

you and i have been doing this dance over and over.
time and again. and yet we never seem to perfect it.
you treat me like crap, and i quietly take it.
i have stood by you since forever.
and you see no value in it.

this is no friendship.
you are akin to a drowning victim
flailing, hitting and harming people there to help you.

i see through your facade now.
and i know

it's time for me to step back
and just walk away.

i feel so sorry for you.
but most of all, i pity you.

i now join the growing class of people
whom you have hurt and turned away.
i have been enlightened by those who precede me.

i have been told
and i now know that things look better
and are much conducive and safer
when i'm on the outside
looking in.

psychosomatic tumtum

i'm sick. for the first time this year (for as far as i can remember, at least), i actually got sick. this is day 3 of horrid cramps and i'm almost ready to temporarily set up camp in the loo. :p thank goodness for hot packs.

i don't think i caught anything serious.. although, i am thinking that this (aside from other MUCH sensible possiblities) is my psychosomatic tummy in action. a few days ago, i looked down and actually sighed and told (and fondly pat) my belly, "gawd, you're getting bloated!" ungh: day after that, it took me down with a vengance, i almost fainted while i was standing in the middle of one of my favorite places: the salon. aargh! had to cancel my appointment, darnit!

now, because i teased my tummy, it's out to prove me wrong. on any other day though (like when i'm in serious need of a tummy tuck/ denial scheme), i would be ecstatic. but THIS is just getting ridiculous.

thank goodness i'm now bunking at the nurse's home.

now, excuse me while i get ready to see my breakfast. again. (aaack! tmi!) >xp

this is it

she's always been our hands down singer-composer.
and she has the song that says EXACTLY what i feel about him.

this is it.
my song.

Push
(Sarah Mclachlan)

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day

...

after a nice chat with grace dear a few days ago, i've come to realize that i've been actually mulling this thought over for a time now..

i'm absolutely positive that he will and can provide for my needs. the necessities of life.. i know for a fact that he would gladly do the chores i'm not good at and i can always count on him to read me like a book when time calls for it. we know each other from the inside out; heck, we've been the best of friends for over a decade now! we are like a well-oiled machine when we work, and i know i can trust him to be there for me whenever i need him.

i know he'll be able to meet my needs.. but
what about the things that i want?

yeah, sure that's a bratty thing to say.. but face it: all women do have their own hiccuping whimsical wants. i'm sure that mine don't cost much. heck: i'm sooo babaw! but these bouts of wanting do come at regular intervals.. still.. *sigh* does that mean that my "i don't need it, but i want it!" ways are soon going to be over? hmmm..

well
we're not exactly vying for a one income household anyway.. well, at least not anytime soon! i love him. luxuries can come in later.. but he better make it happen then! ;D

now
is he doing what he's supposed to do to make it happen sooner rather than later?
i sure hope so.

because i do love him. and that's a fact.
i'm ready. and waiting.

esep esep!

i was flipping through some of the channels and watched a rerun of a kardashian episode wherein the sisters both broke up with their respective men in the show. one of them even needed to see a therapist before the actual break up, so i thought, 'wow: this girl has issues. this is gonna be great!' hehehe! *kaboom!* reality tv gave me something to think about instead! ;D

therapist: "why isn't he doing what he's supposed to do to be with you?"

hmmmm.. well, this trip has got me thinking about a lot of things.. one of them being the part where i'm not going to settle for anything more, nor less, than what i want and deserve. and this applies to all aspects of my life.

admittedly, that's probably going to be tough, since i've always somewhat played the victim of a bully.. always settling for whatever they've got to offer, not really exerting much effort to fight for what i want. i have a tendency to avoid conflict, which would mean i would rather walk away, pretty much from everything, than cause an embarrassing scene.

well, i'm done running away. whether i'm right or wrong, i will need to stand my ground from now on. hmmm. i see tough times ahead.. oh well: it's about time to turn over a new leaf anyway. :)

mythbusting

newsflash, people: i can carry my own ****, thank you very much.

it's not that i can't do or accomplish a task,
it's just that maybe you failed to explain the dynamics properly.
it's not that i can't attend an event,
it's just that sometimes, i want to avoid the people/ conflict within it.

it's not that i can't,
there are just some times that don't want to.

so maybe i have some bouts of bratty-ness.
but really, it's just a matter of choice. my choice.
deal with it.

pharisee

"a sanctimonious, self-righteous, or hypocritical person."

and oh how i despise them.

that is all.

let's mull this over for a minute

quotable quote first:
"there's going under (cover) and then there's stepping over. it's scares me when i don't know the difference." -carter, speaking to dean, dark blue (the new bruckheimer series).

my grandma, who proudly says that she's been married for the past 58 years, is hell-bent on convincing me that she is doing the most righteous thing. that she is all about compassion, love and forgiveness. that she is doing what Jesus wants her to do. and that she is not a martyr.

all this, without me asking her about anything (aside from the usually polite 'good morning,' 'have you eaten yet?' and 'i'll be going out to walk the dog now'). i would be just minding my own business (marathon reading/watching) and without me even having to look at her, i would be the captive audience, who would have no choice but to ever so politely set aside whatever i am doing, and listen. and by now, she wouldn't have waited that long: she would have just instantly rattle her past woes away.

so far, from what i've gathered, my grandfather is a proud womanizer. grandma was proud to say that she was aware of all the relationshipS as they happened (of course, there would be a lot going on. she claims she is not one for confrontation, so she just lets it be! urgh.). the highlight of her life is that not once did she try leaving her husband. woop.dee.doo. good for you.

i guess she is that kind of woman from the past: get your womanizing husband back by laying on your back. well excuse me: they got to count TEN children for crying out loud. by then, of course, you wouldn't be able to leave ANYONE for fear of financial difficulty. and now that they are crossing over to the 80s, well of course, it would be too late for anyone to do anything.

*sigh*

martyr:
"one who bears witness of the truth, and suffers death in the cause of Christ."
"one who chooses to suffer death rather than renounce religious principles."
"one who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle."

*sigh*

what my grandma doesn't know is that in all truth, what she has is a complex. the martyr complex. the "exaggerated desire for self-sacrifice."

gawd. please. tell me when i'm already stepping over.
shoot me if i EVER come to that.

no to bad juju.

the past

with me trying to stay on the positive curb of the road, i just thought to myself that heck, they don't have much time left, and since i don't have any say in the matter anyway, i might as well make the most out of it. learn some secret recipes, know how things were back when aunts and uncles were still in their younger years, have at least a few good laughs, then gradually get catatonic on jeopardy and finally end like a vegetable on the price is right. *sigh* at least that was the plan i had in mind as a weekend with my grandparents.

i have been shown the light.
only to find dirt under the rug. *bah*

it's sad that i can now trace the where, how and why there is MUCH discord, discontent and disappointment in the family. i apparently come from a long line of relatives with so much unresolved marital issues, that it has sadly cascaded to the next generation.

wouldn't want to get into specifics, but to cut it short, it was a VERY apparent trend that has started from way back then, that everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten and missed. from one bad advice blindly passed on to another, it was handed over from one generation to the next:

"look the other way. wives are supposed to love and support their husbands, no matter what. be submissive. love is sacrifice. sacrifice is love."

sure.
but not when you have a philandering husband, fool.
*sigh*

i am in awe that i apparently come from a long line of martyr wives with philandering husbands. they happily raised 9-10 children (with an absentee husband/wife) at a time, who later found themselves finding love, again and again, with spouses number 2, 3, 4.. they applaud battered wives for being so steadfast and loyal to their husbands. they cheer for the sibling who seems to find love everywhere he/she goes: they bring little bundles of joy as proof of this love.

with the examples and standards set, i now am enlightened with why we continually have had shotgun weddings, babies booming out of wedlock, and let's not forget, a slew of relatives you have to watch out for as they later become 'out'-laws (what with the dissolution of marriage, they then cease to be 'in'-laws. haha!). i'm no longer going to be surprised to find that i'm also related to someone who supports incest at one point. they would probably be like, how were they to know they were step-sibs?! one time, great granddad apparently wanted to blot the idea so he introduced all 10kids he had with familia no.1 to the 6 he had with familia no.2. he told them that he didn't want any of his kids running (or 'liking'?!) into each other without knowing that they were actually siblings. how sweet and thoughtful of him.

yes: ignorance must be bliss!
*sigh*
fruits don't fall far from the tree.

but..
we are now on the fast track. they haven't heard of a hybrid.

i will start anew. i will not follow a pattern. that cyclical curse ends here.
i will be a start to new generation. and i will make it happen.
leave the past. welcome the present. move to the future.

it is called 'past' because it already has passed.
it's time for it to end; put a period on it.

it's a new day!
everybody, please. move on.

"..create in me a clean heart

..put a new and right spirit within me
cast me not away from your presence
and take not your holy spirit for me.."

as i pray for the strength to move
towards building and hoping for
the birth of a new beginning

i pray too,
that i have enough courage

to finally let go of the awkward past
to just look forward and face the present
and faithfully move on towards a better future.

let's start over.
clean slate.

*sigh*

life.

i can move on. *u*