this is it

she's always been our hands down singer-composer.
and she has the song that says EXACTLY what i feel about him.

this is it.
my song.

Push
(Sarah Mclachlan)

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day

...

after a nice chat with grace dear a few days ago, i've come to realize that i've been actually mulling this thought over for a time now..

i'm absolutely positive that he will and can provide for my needs. the necessities of life.. i know for a fact that he would gladly do the chores i'm not good at and i can always count on him to read me like a book when time calls for it. we know each other from the inside out; heck, we've been the best of friends for over a decade now! we are like a well-oiled machine when we work, and i know i can trust him to be there for me whenever i need him.

i know he'll be able to meet my needs.. but
what about the things that i want?

yeah, sure that's a bratty thing to say.. but face it: all women do have their own hiccuping whimsical wants. i'm sure that mine don't cost much. heck: i'm sooo babaw! but these bouts of wanting do come at regular intervals.. still.. *sigh* does that mean that my "i don't need it, but i want it!" ways are soon going to be over? hmmm..

well
we're not exactly vying for a one income household anyway.. well, at least not anytime soon! i love him. luxuries can come in later.. but he better make it happen then! ;D

now
is he doing what he's supposed to do to make it happen sooner rather than later?
i sure hope so.

because i do love him. and that's a fact.
i'm ready. and waiting.

esep esep!

i was flipping through some of the channels and watched a rerun of a kardashian episode wherein the sisters both broke up with their respective men in the show. one of them even needed to see a therapist before the actual break up, so i thought, 'wow: this girl has issues. this is gonna be great!' hehehe! *kaboom!* reality tv gave me something to think about instead! ;D

therapist: "why isn't he doing what he's supposed to do to be with you?"

hmmmm.. well, this trip has got me thinking about a lot of things.. one of them being the part where i'm not going to settle for anything more, nor less, than what i want and deserve. and this applies to all aspects of my life.

admittedly, that's probably going to be tough, since i've always somewhat played the victim of a bully.. always settling for whatever they've got to offer, not really exerting much effort to fight for what i want. i have a tendency to avoid conflict, which would mean i would rather walk away, pretty much from everything, than cause an embarrassing scene.

well, i'm done running away. whether i'm right or wrong, i will need to stand my ground from now on. hmmm. i see tough times ahead.. oh well: it's about time to turn over a new leaf anyway. :)

mythbusting

newsflash, people: i can carry my own ****, thank you very much.

it's not that i can't do or accomplish a task,
it's just that maybe you failed to explain the dynamics properly.
it's not that i can't attend an event,
it's just that sometimes, i want to avoid the people/ conflict within it.

it's not that i can't,
there are just some times that don't want to.

so maybe i have some bouts of bratty-ness.
but really, it's just a matter of choice. my choice.
deal with it.

pharisee

"a sanctimonious, self-righteous, or hypocritical person."

and oh how i despise them.

that is all.

let's mull this over for a minute

quotable quote first:
"there's going under (cover) and then there's stepping over. it's scares me when i don't know the difference." -carter, speaking to dean, dark blue (the new bruckheimer series).

my grandma, who proudly says that she's been married for the past 58 years, is hell-bent on convincing me that she is doing the most righteous thing. that she is all about compassion, love and forgiveness. that she is doing what Jesus wants her to do. and that she is not a martyr.

all this, without me asking her about anything (aside from the usually polite 'good morning,' 'have you eaten yet?' and 'i'll be going out to walk the dog now'). i would be just minding my own business (marathon reading/watching) and without me even having to look at her, i would be the captive audience, who would have no choice but to ever so politely set aside whatever i am doing, and listen. and by now, she wouldn't have waited that long: she would have just instantly rattle her past woes away.

so far, from what i've gathered, my grandfather is a proud womanizer. grandma was proud to say that she was aware of all the relationshipS as they happened (of course, there would be a lot going on. she claims she is not one for confrontation, so she just lets it be! urgh.). the highlight of her life is that not once did she try leaving her husband. woop.dee.doo. good for you.

i guess she is that kind of woman from the past: get your womanizing husband back by laying on your back. well excuse me: they got to count TEN children for crying out loud. by then, of course, you wouldn't be able to leave ANYONE for fear of financial difficulty. and now that they are crossing over to the 80s, well of course, it would be too late for anyone to do anything.

*sigh*

martyr:
"one who bears witness of the truth, and suffers death in the cause of Christ."
"one who chooses to suffer death rather than renounce religious principles."
"one who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle."

*sigh*

what my grandma doesn't know is that in all truth, what she has is a complex. the martyr complex. the "exaggerated desire for self-sacrifice."

gawd. please. tell me when i'm already stepping over.
shoot me if i EVER come to that.

no to bad juju.

the past

with me trying to stay on the positive curb of the road, i just thought to myself that heck, they don't have much time left, and since i don't have any say in the matter anyway, i might as well make the most out of it. learn some secret recipes, know how things were back when aunts and uncles were still in their younger years, have at least a few good laughs, then gradually get catatonic on jeopardy and finally end like a vegetable on the price is right. *sigh* at least that was the plan i had in mind as a weekend with my grandparents.

i have been shown the light.
only to find dirt under the rug. *bah*

it's sad that i can now trace the where, how and why there is MUCH discord, discontent and disappointment in the family. i apparently come from a long line of relatives with so much unresolved marital issues, that it has sadly cascaded to the next generation.

wouldn't want to get into specifics, but to cut it short, it was a VERY apparent trend that has started from way back then, that everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten and missed. from one bad advice blindly passed on to another, it was handed over from one generation to the next:

"look the other way. wives are supposed to love and support their husbands, no matter what. be submissive. love is sacrifice. sacrifice is love."

sure.
but not when you have a philandering husband, fool.
*sigh*

i am in awe that i apparently come from a long line of martyr wives with philandering husbands. they happily raised 9-10 children (with an absentee husband/wife) at a time, who later found themselves finding love, again and again, with spouses number 2, 3, 4.. they applaud battered wives for being so steadfast and loyal to their husbands. they cheer for the sibling who seems to find love everywhere he/she goes: they bring little bundles of joy as proof of this love.

with the examples and standards set, i now am enlightened with why we continually have had shotgun weddings, babies booming out of wedlock, and let's not forget, a slew of relatives you have to watch out for as they later become 'out'-laws (what with the dissolution of marriage, they then cease to be 'in'-laws. haha!). i'm no longer going to be surprised to find that i'm also related to someone who supports incest at one point. they would probably be like, how were they to know they were step-sibs?! one time, great granddad apparently wanted to blot the idea so he introduced all 10kids he had with familia no.1 to the 6 he had with familia no.2. he told them that he didn't want any of his kids running (or 'liking'?!) into each other without knowing that they were actually siblings. how sweet and thoughtful of him.

yes: ignorance must be bliss!
*sigh*
fruits don't fall far from the tree.

but..
we are now on the fast track. they haven't heard of a hybrid.

i will start anew. i will not follow a pattern. that cyclical curse ends here.
i will be a start to new generation. and i will make it happen.
leave the past. welcome the present. move to the future.

it is called 'past' because it already has passed.
it's time for it to end; put a period on it.

it's a new day!
everybody, please. move on.

"..create in me a clean heart

..put a new and right spirit within me
cast me not away from your presence
and take not your holy spirit for me.."

as i pray for the strength to move
towards building and hoping for
the birth of a new beginning

i pray too,
that i have enough courage

to finally let go of the awkward past
to just look forward and face the present
and faithfully move on towards a better future.

let's start over.
clean slate.

*sigh*

life.

i can move on. *u*